Vulnerability Hangovers, Inside Out 2 and Substack.

Celebrating all the emotions, even the annoying ones.

Parking Lot Therapy

It must be 100 degrees. I’m sitting in my parked car, holding my phone up to the A/C vent like I’m at the lamest concert ever lest it overheats and shuts off again. I’d picked a shady spot in the lot, under a tree. It’s my third telehealth appointment with my new therapist. These appointments were awkward at first, but now I’m getting the hang of it. My main worry is what to talk about. It’s been a good week. A blissfully boring week with fun interludes like getting my hair done and celebrating Father’s Day with black forest cake. Was I going to have to make up something to talk about?

Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about that. My therapist has a style that compliments my own perfectly. She gives me enough space to get my thoughts out and fills the empty space with gentle probing questions. She doesn’t let the silence hang in the air too long, leaving me to fill it with self depreciating jokes. These Zoom calls transform my Honda into a safe space to explore and start putting together the scattered puzzle pieces of my life. For over 20 years, I’ve started and abandoned therapy countless times. This is the first time I’ve felt like it was worth it to deal with the aftermath of many therapy sessions - feeling like absolute garbage when the appointment ends.

The Vulnerability Hangover

Getting out of my car to continue about my daily life after a therapy appointment feels like doing the walk of shame. I feel like an aquarium jellyfish, my insides on display for the world to see. To unbottle these big emotions and then continue about my day as if nothing has happened is bizarre, to say the least. Just casually stopping by Taco Bell with a wide smile like I didn’t just spend an hour battling tears over some childhood trauma. After my last appointment, I came home for a six hour “nap”.

It so happens there is a name for this experience - the “vulnerability hangover”. First of all, thank you to the wise Kaitlyn over at Dialoguing for helping me find the best words to describe this situation. The term “vulnerability hangover” was coined by Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston. It describes the sense of shame, guilt, regret and fear you may experience after stepping outside of your emotional comfort zone. By sharing these complicated experiences and emotions, we open ourselves up to the judgement of others (Mead, 2023).

Let’s talk about the science of a vulnerability hangover. According to therapist Kristen Jacobsen, your brain recognizes that you’re being brave by sharing personal stories and it lights up its reward centers. However, another area of the brain responsible for assessing threats recognizes that your social or professional status could be in danger. So what happens next?

When you’re standing in front of an audience sharing your struggles or faults, you're being authentic and that’s powerful. It can transform your connection with others, making your words stick and even changing perspectives. But once the applause fades and you’re left with your thoughts, the brain does a quick check. Did sharing harm your social standing? Are people going to see you differently? Suddenly, you’re analyzing every face in the crowd and every comment made afterward. (Jacobsen, 2024)

Vulnerability on Substack Through the Lens of Inside Out 2

It’s one thing to spill your guts to a therapist in the privacy of your car. It’s another to put it online for the world to consume. Even sharing that I went to therapy feels scary to post publicly. It’s something I spent a long time feeling embarrassed and ashamed about, like it was proof I was crazy and weak. It’s an experience that unleashes a whole cast of emotions.

Conveniently, this week I had the opportunity to snuggle into a movie theater seat to snack on generously buttered popcorn and get a crash course in brain science thanks to Pixar’s newest release, Inside Out 2.

Allow me to introduce you to the emotions at the helm of my brain’s control board. I’ve given them poorly toned blonde hair in the below photo so that you can tell they’re mine. Feel free to listen in as they discuss my thought processes leading up to this newsletter.

Pillow Thought Headquarters. To hire me for graphic design, comment below. Image from Pixar. Please don’t sue me.

• Ennui: Ugh, my life is so boring. I have nothing to write about. I went to work, ate too much Taco Bell, and watched TV with the cat. Who wants to hear about this?

• Anxiety: Great point. What if nobody reads it? What if they read it and then leave mean comments? What if you say the wrong thing and offend someone? What if I get canceled? What if I get canceled for worrying about getting canceled?! People will wonder what I could possibly be thinking of writing that would make me worry about that!

• Embarrassment: Totally valid, Anxiety. I mean, remember when you sent that newsletter out with a bunch of typos and recommended bizarre shit like space shuttle disaster movies and ant youtube videos?

• Joy: Everyone shut up, I actually am almost done writing the thing! How cool that people have read my stuff and liked it. I actually fought through my worries and have maintained a regular posting schedule! And the community is so filled with interesting and inspirational content, it’s so fun!

• Sadness: Okay, but that one newsletter didn’t get as many views as the other one. Did I do a bad job on that? I’m probably not very good at this and people are just being nice. This whole thing is basically a kindergarten stick figure drawing.

• Envy: Wait a second, seriously??? That influencer just came over to Substack and got 100,000 subscribers in one day! Is she even going to write it or is she just going to post a bunch of paywalled ChatGPT content and rake in the $?!

• Disgust: Yeah, okay. She’s been blogging for like 15 years. What were you doing 15 years ago? Oh that’s right, probably drinking a Four Loko in some sketchy apartment with Paper Planes on repeat. Remember your fashion choices? Forever 21 dresses and Charlotte Russe jewelry abound? You weren’t exactly “lifestyle blogger” material.

  

  What I was doing when I should’ve been starting a blog. I’m committing to the vulnerability theme by sharing this, okay. This is a safe place, right? Right?

• Nostalgia: Hah, yeah, but we had fun, didn’t we?

• Anger: YOU BLEW IT, IDIOT! WHY DIDN’T YOU GET IT TOGETHER 20 YEARS AGO? YOU WASTED SO MUCH TIME!

• Fear: Don’t leave the computer plugged into that janky outlet when you leave for work and burn the entire house down.

Thanks, Fear. That one I can work with.

What to do with all the ~feelings~

Imagine talking all those emotions and giving them free reign to battle it out in a one hour therapy appointment. Even worse, think about condensing all those competing feelings enough to compose a Substack essay! It’s no wonder that the process of sharing and seeking connection can feel emotionally and physically exhausting. Given the vulnerability hangover risk after sharing, it would be understandable if someone wanted to toss it all to the back of their mind to deal with later.

However, Inside Out 2 delivers an important, simple message about all those feelings: each one is valid and has an important role to play in taking care of us.

Pixar turned to University of California Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center to help root Inside Out 2 in a trusted scientific research. They summarize the film as such:

Inside Out reminds us that understanding and embracing our emotions while prioritizing positive relationships fosters a sense of safety and belonging despite the challenges we encounter. (Hill, 2024)

As a non-mental health professional, I cannot provide advice but only speak to my own approach. I will be fighting the vulnerability hangover by leaning on the support of friends, family and community. At the same time, I am vowing to recognize and accept all the feelings. I will resist the urge to run from the scary ones.

If sharing the deepest parts of my life makes me a jellyfish, maybe the vulnerability hangover is my stinging tentacles. It helps me to protect my peace. I’m grateful for it.

Emotional Alka-seltzer - Tips for Managing a Vulnerability Hangover

A compilation of my favorite tips from experts from around the… web? Internet? What do we call it now? Maybe we just get really weird and call it the ‘net. My Nostalgia emotion likes that one.

• Think about what you want to share ahead of time. Sometimes the excitement of vulnerable connection makes me open up a little too much. Before you put yourself in that position, give yourself time to think through what you are willing to talk about. You don’t owe anyone a view into your private life - remember you are in control of what you want to share. By preparing in advance, you’ll be better positioned to deal with the range of emotions you will experience after you open up (Mead, 2023).

• Make space to process. Psychotherapist Lise LeBlanc notes "we need to give ourselves time to process and settle, otherwise, there is no way for the mind to consolidate insights, shift mental patterns, and release emotions” (Yuko, 2023).

  • Try to schedule your appointment at the end of the day.

  • If possible, grab a 15-20 minute nap or meditation after your appointment.

  • If that’s unrealistic, at least try to get a few minutes for a short walk or moment to yourself to sit and breathe.

• Snap back to the real world with an experience that brings you comfort. Maybe that’s journaling or getting into nature. For me, it’s blasting goofy disco and yacht rock. You can find more tips here.

Have you experienced a vulnerability hangover? Have you seen Inside Out 2 yet? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

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• Kendrick Lamar - The Pop Out: Ken & Friends: Five times. He performed “Not Like Us” five times. Your move, Drake.

• Weeknight Dinners: Love all these reader suggestions for simple meals with lots of vegetarian suggestions.

• Perfect Wife: The Mysterious Disappearance of Sherri Papini: New Hulu doc. Love a true crime story and this one takes a crazy twist.

• Can we ditch the “Plus 1” rule for weddings? Yes, please. The cause of much wedding headache for me many moons ago.

• Pressed pennies! I recently rediscovered these on a visit to Monticello. There are not many places to find them anymore and this ancient but still updated state-by-state directory of existing machines gets me excited to play hometown tourist. Bonus: how cute is this tattoo??

• 2010’s fashion flashback. I would still wear the J. Crew look no questions asked. Honestly, these colors are so cute! One thing I do not miss is leggings as pants. Hated it then and nothing has changed. What’s your fave 2010’s favorite trend?

• Sitting on the porch. My bestie Gracie helped me rediscover the joy of a warm stone step. Pure heaven, why don’t I do more porch sitting?

The bestie.

Until next time I remain your queen of sloppy metaphors,

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References

The DoMore Agriculture Foundation. (n.d.). Understanding the Vulnerability Hangover: Navigating the Aftermath of Sharing Your Truth., retrieved 22 June 2024, from https://www.domore.ag/wellness-tips/understanding-the-vulnerability-hangover-navigating-the-aftermath-of-sharing-your-truth.

Hill, Jr., D. (2024). What Inside Out 2 Reveals About the Diversity of Emotions, Greater Good Magazine, retrieved 22 June 2024, from https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/inside_out_2_Reveals_About_the_Diversity_of_Emotions.

Jacobsen, K. (2024). Why Opening Up Feels Scary: The Science Behind "Vulnerability Hangovers", Cathartic Space Counseling, retrieved 22 June 2024, from https://www.catharticspacecounseling.com/blog/2024/5/2/why-opening-up-feels-scary-the-science-behind-vulnerability-hangovers.

Mead, E. (2023). Have you suffered from a vulnerability hangover?, Curious, retrieved 22 June 2024, from https://www.wellbeing.com.au/curious/suffered-vulnerability-hangover.

Yuko, E (2023). The Real (and Very Normal) Reason You're So Exhausted After Therapy, Real Simple, retrieved 22 June 2024, from https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/emotional-hangover-after-therapy.